In many relationships, conversations turn into competitions without us even realizing it. We listen, not to truly understand our partner’s point of view, but to prepare our next rebuttal. We listen with the goal of being right, of winning the argument, of proving a point. But communication in a relationship isn’t about winning—it’s about connecting.
When we shift our intention from “being heard” to “truly hearing,” something powerful happens. Our partner feels seen. They soften. And in that emotional safety, connection deepens.
Listening to understand means being present. Not just hearing words, but sensing what’s behind them—the emotions, the fears, the hopes, and the unmet needs. It means putting aside the need to fix, defend, or offer quick solutions, and instead staying curious. Asking, “Tell me more about that,” or “How did that feel for you?” opens the door to deeper sharing.
This kind of listening also requires managing our own emotional reactivity. If something stings or triggers us, it’s tempting to jump in. But pausing, breathing, and choosing to stay engaged with empathy helps us hear what’s really being said—not just what our emotions are interpreting.
Often, couples fall into communication patterns where each person is simply waiting for their turn to speak. In these moments, no one feels heard, and conversations spiral into frustration or silence. But when one person chooses to listen with the intention of understanding rather than scoring points, the dynamic can shift completely.
To begin practicing this, try setting an intention before a conversation: “I want to understand where you’re coming from.” Then focus your full attention—put down the phone, turn off the TV, and listen with your whole body. Nodding, making eye contact, and occasionally summarizing what you heard (“So what I’m hearing is…”) are all small but powerful ways to show that you’re engaged.
Listening to understand isn’t always easy, especially when emotions are high or trust has been damaged. But it’s one of the most healing things we can offer in a relationship. It tells your partner, “You matter to me. Your experience matters. I want to understand, even if I don’t agree.”
Over time, this kind of listening builds emotional safety—the foundation of lasting love.